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Tuesday, May 13th, 2008

(Fuck the po-lice)

Time:1:07 am.
I know it's stupid, and if anything it's only harmful to think this way, but I can't tell you how often I wish I could have the past year of my life back to do over. Given the option it would be one of the easiest decisions in my life.

I've been so stupid. So fucking stupid.

Saturday, May 10th, 2008

(5Said | Fuck the po-lice)

Time:9:12 pm.
If anyone's wondering, Oneonta was great. Slingshot Dakota's set had me giddy like a little girl. A little girl who's just remembering what it's like to not hate everything anymore.

You ever feel like you've been used? Not the kind of used where people hang out with you because you'll drive. I'm talking about the kind of used where your entire role is someone's life may be something silly like fulfilling some weird insecurity of theirs, when you always thought there something far more real than that going on? It's weird.

Either way, I still feel really good about things. Sometimes I still find myself dipping back into the whole shitty mentality and having to remind myself that some things aren't worth it, but nobody just wakes up one morning completely fixed. Perhaps I should just listen to Bad Brains and keep my PMA.

I love this time of year when it starts being perfect outside at night. When it's all starry out I've been going out and just hanging out on the trampoline for a bit. As hippyshit as that sounds it's great, and it's even better being able to do things like that without just letting everything going on my head devour me. Sometimes I wish I had someone to lay out there with me.

Awfully nice out tonight. I'm still home because I thought I was going to have something else going on tonight. Oyer's picking me up though. I need coffee.

Saturday, April 26th, 2008

(Fuck the po-lice)

Time:10:33 am.
I'm sitting on a bench outside in a beautiful tiny town in Vermont called Poultney. It's 10:30 in the morning. This is fantastic.

I decided to pack up and head out of Rockland for a couple days. I'm here in Vermont with Nina and Hitchings until tomorrow. Then I'll be heading over to Oneonta for a couple days to hang out with my beloved Mike Natoli, play some tunes, and see Slingshot Dakota play at their house.

I can't tell you how good it feels. It was all dreary and depressing at home (not my house-home, just Rockland) and there was so much stress and weird shit and nothing resembling the way it felt there when things were normal. I missed these two I'm with terribly and sometimes I don't even realize how much until I'm around them again. I came here by myself too, which was also great. Some time to let my head clear, and nobody to bug me with time limits and what they want to do. Most importantly, nobody can let me down and/or fuck up my time. Half the reason I'm doing this is to be around the solid people in my life.

So last night began with taking me to an 80's party for this girl Ashley's birthday. I had a Hawaiian shirt with me luckily, and I was able to look just douchey enough to pass. We ended up though walking down this long pitch black trail to a giant bonfire packed with people. It was fucking great there. I can't say enough how happy I am I did this.

Even the hangover isn't so bad. I woke up and walked down to Dunkin' Donuts with Hitchings. The whole town is on this one street almost. It's so small but it's great here. I really wish I spent more time here when I had the chance.

but I'm sitting on a bench outside now, and my gracious hosts are probably wondering where the fuck I went.

Monday, April 21st, 2008

(1Said | Fuck the po-lice)

Time:1:12 am.
I'm sick of so much, and going to the things and people I have to make myself feel better has been more like running into fucking brick walls.

I don't like when I feel this way because I don't feel like it even resembles the 'me' I've always seen in my head. I used to like that 'me' a lot more.

When did I ever sit around like "I feel this" and "Problems, blah"? I don't know how everyone just lets themselves into ruts like this and stays content in it, broadcasting it to everyone. I feel like I'm dying slowly.

So I'm going to change things. I'm going to get through the rest of this shitty semester, and take the time to really figure out what and who I need in my life. I've acknowledged how difficult it's going to be to make those decisions correctly, but I don't care. I'm going to and I'm going to be and have fun again.

and I'm going to bury myself in music. playing music, being around it. The way it was when everything was still exciting and not a fucking drag all the time. When I had something else to love and to keep me afloat when I get like this, and I wasn't relying on brick walls.

Wednesday, February 27th, 2008

(1Said | Fuck the po-lice)

Time:12:47 am.
everything's beating me up. I feel beat up. I feel like everything I do is trying to compensate for how run down I feel.

I haven't felt anything but run down in months. The things that I thought would make that feeling go away haven't. at all. I feel exhausted, I feel like I'm struggling in everything I do, and I just think about decisions I've made for hours a day and wonder if they were right.

What makes me feel normal again?

so many people that I even begin to talk to about this sort of thing just talk about how they always perceived me as very happy, and that I'm not supposed to be unhappy. That's not fair. Have I cornered myself as some kind of novelty? I feel like Joe Pesci. Everyone else acts sad like it's fucking admirable.

and maybe that's what bugs me the most? All the time I'm around people who play the whole "Everyone look how sad I am and ask me about it" game, and it makes me physically ill. I've never done that, barring one night that really wasn't intentional, I don't think. God forbid I ever do. I don't want to ever be that, ever, haha.

This makes it sound like I'm really depressed or something. I shouldn't really say that. I just don't feel good. Nothing's making me feel fulfilled and good anymore. Not even things that used to. I just wonder if it's time to make big changes, and how to do it.

I can't wait for the weekend though. I'm going to Vermont to see Hitchings and Nina. I love my friends to death, and I feel awful saying any less of them, but of the people that actually stayed in Rockland all this time, Hitchings was the only one I actually felt was consistently good for me. Like, always actually beneficial to have around at this kinda junction in my life. When I was real fucked up he was picking me up every day and just dealing with me like a champion, haha. I must have been unbearable. Seeing him, like always, will be fantastic.

Also, if you go to this link you'll find that I'm kind of playing music again. and thank god for that. it keeps me together just like I remember it doing.

I can't wait for my cup of coffee tomorrow morning. good night.

Wednesday, December 12th, 2007

(Fuck the po-lice)

Time:3:35 pm.
Last night two of my best friends showed real concern for me, and I responded by yelling at them. I feel really bad about that because everyone should be so lucky to have people actually looking out for them.

Nothing I did prompted the conversation, it was otherwise a perfectly normal night, but I guess every little story or feeling I've conveyed in the past two months rubbed off that way on them.

There's so much they don't understand though. I hate that. There's certain things that are cemented into my head all day that they could never even pretend to understand because they're in a completely different place than me. And I'm not talking about the things concerning my relationship that just recently ended.

So Trix asked me why I don't take any of my own advice. This hits pretty hard, because even if I claim that he doesn't understand, there's no arguing the things that I've already said myself.

This is something I always think about. It's something I've mentioned here several times. I thought I was on top of everything. I thought that I'd made myself into what I told everyone else they were supposed to be when they feel as overwhelmed as I have.

I've been lying to myself about so many things. So I asked him why it doesn't feel like I've been weak, why it doesn't feel like I've been doing the wrong things.

He said "It's because you're fucking stupid".

He meant now, of course. Now that everything that's happened in the past two months happened I've lost my perspective and I'm fucking stupid. Just like everyone else, including him, that's had something similar happen.

and he's right. he's so absurdly right.

I've been fucking stupid. I feel stupid. I feel so terribly stupid. About everything.

and I'm glad my asshole friends got me to finally acknowledge that.

Thursday, November 22nd, 2007

(1Said | Fuck the po-lice)

Subject:totally too heavy for livejournal. happy thanksgiving.
Time:11:18 am.
Thanksgiving's at my house this year. It used to be at my aunt's before she died.

She died just before Thanksgiving last year. This year her husband just died about a week ago. Because of that, my aunt and cousins from Florida are here this year.

I never really called her husband my uncle. I guess technically he was, but they got married while or just before I was alive, he wasn't the most likable dude and his chunk of family (except for one person) was never very nice to me at all. They are the most Irish bunch of people you'll ever meet, it's absurd.

So it's not really him dying that makes me sad, and I feel awfully saying that because it is actually very sad. It's more of everything that was left in the air from my aunt dying coming back.

He was way older than her, and in pretty shitty condition. No one could have ever in a million years guessed my aunt was going to go first. Now half of Ireland's having a field day on her house, and it doesn't seem right. We're supposed to go over there to try and get some of her stuff. I wasn't going to go because it's probably going to be pretty tense but I really should.

My cousin (the one from Florida) stole a bunch of photo albums from her house back when she died and we thought they were going to try and keep them from us. Him and I ended up being in half of the pictures.

we're rallying for me to get her piano. I really hope I get it. When I lived at her house for a year I used to just yell out songs all the time until she'd sit down and figure out how to play them for me.

It looks like my cousin (her son) is getting completely shafted, which is awful because he's had so many fucked up things happen to him already. This guy that just died was his stepdad and was always a bit of a shit to him. Looks like that may even continue in his death.

and it's sad because my aunt was great. She was funny, she was the only one in the family who was ALWAYS cool to me. Even on her death bed she was hilarious.

and I'm not sure why but a year later I still haven't gotten over her dying one bit.

I think I just didn't have a good concept of what family means at all until she was dying. She was the one that brought everyone together for stuff like Thanksgiving. Now it just feels like everyone's struggling through it for the sake of it and it's sad.

and now it's just us and on a bit of good timing my family from Florida. Had her husband not died, who would I be with on Thanksgiving?

and even while I'm writing this, I could hear downstairs my mother and my aunt from florida trying to figure out this weird egg salad-type stuff we used to always have on thanksgiving. and my mother says "I was going to call Margie and ask what we're leaving out, but she's not alive anymore".

This egg salad is going to taste like asshole.

but really, I hope everyone has an awesome thanksgiving. and if I haven't seen you yet, I hope I do before you go back to school.

Sunday, November 4th, 2007

(2Said | Fuck the po-lice)

Subject:there's always time for a bit of bro-love.
Time:11:47 pm.
Mood: Alive. Gettin' it together..
Keeping up with what I said in the last entry, I really do feel like I've talked so many people through terribly sad things going on in their lives that it ends up I had no idea about it. So now that I'm living it, I feel like I'm just a big douchebag if I don't follow all of the advice I've given them no matter how difficult it is.

Sarah and I broke up.

and it was sad. and when I kissed her the last time I had vivid flashbacks to the first time I kissed her, completely terrified, in the driveway of her old house. and the first time I saw the Bouncing Souls sticker on her high school agenda. and the time when we both threw our feet up on the dashboard of my car and started air guitaring at the same time when the rocking guitar break after the opera part in Bohemian Rhapsody while a back seat looked on horrified and I knew she was the one. I got to really experience being in love in it's rawest, most urgent form and I'm lucky for that. and I know it was because when I think about those things, or even all the times things were really hard, even now it doesn't make me sad. It just makes me really happy. Maybe our story isn't over (and of course a giant giant part of me really hopes it's not), maybe it actually really ended a couple months ago, who knows? Either way, I can't just stop living over it, because that benefits no one.

So now it's time to live.

and you know what? I don't give my friends the credit they deserve.

Mike Natoli talked to me for an hour on the phone, when I had to drive three hours home on dark empty highways through strange Pennsylvania towns and the dreaded New Jersey, and just bask in all the awful shit going on in my head.

Trix organized a gathering to more or less babysit me.

Andrew told me he thinks this is going to be a growing experience for me. I wonder.

Hitchings sort of primed me for this with five minute conversation we had Wednesday night that he has no idea settled me down like I thought nothing could at that time.

and Bill. Bill pulled through with what was somehow the most profound little nugget I've received on the topic to this point, today in the Shop Rite parking lot in Gallagher's car. It hit me like a brick.

"and you know what man? Who knows?"


Well, I certainly don't.

Friday, November 2nd, 2007

(Fuck the po-lice)

Time:11:23 am.
I've spent so much time trying to help people when they need it. A lot of people would call bullshit on me for saying that, and I understand that because I've been unfair to a lot of people that never deserved it. There are many however, that can vouch for all the times that I've tried my hardest to help any one of my friends at any given time when they're sad or going crazy over something.

and all of this time I never really thought about it..

but who's going to help me?

Tuesday, October 30th, 2007

(2Said | Fuck the po-lice)

Time:1:06 am.
I think I quit my job today. I'm excited about it and it feels way better than I thought it would.

I think I put it off for so long because I was scared of falling back into handling responsibility like a fucking asshole. Even now I'm not sure if all I'm doing is justifying being an asshole again, but I still feel pretty great.

I can't work till 10 every night, that's crazy. I hated it. Sal isn't the funny stereotype Italian pizza man that ends every word with "ah" that everyone thinks he is. He's a pizza monster.

Whenever Sal would tag an extra buck or two onto people's prices (on top of a bullshit delivery fee that I didn't even get a cut of) it made me sick. I wanted to apologize to everyone and burn that shack to the fucking ground. I was a pizza man in the middle of an epic moral struggle every time I rang a doorbell.

That's way too heavy. That's when it's time to quit.

Besides, I told him to hire another delivery guy months ago.

So today I didn't go to work, and once I knew I wasn't going to work I took a book and a drink and I laid on the couch downstairs and relaxed. completely relaxed and didn't worry about anything. I haven't done that in months. It was fantastic.

I have TIME again. All the reading I wanted to do, all the movies I wanted to watch and the chance to get all my school stuff done at a reasonable hour. I think the reason I've been such a big turd lately is there was no time for the things I enjoy. That's terrible. Nothing I cared about, nothing I was passionate about, just pizza.

Actually that's as if to say I'm not passionate about pizza. I love pizza like it's family. but I won't have my ass fucked nightly for it, no sir.

and music! I want to make music with people again. Me and Natoli need to finish some things on the couple songs we recorded with Trix (which by the way, I am very very very proud of and excited for) before we get that mastered, and I want to keep working with that. I want to play with other people too though in a huge way, even if just for the sake of being creative again.

and I'll be freed up to go see Sarah. Which is great. She's pretty much everything good. We've been together for two and a half years now but it's become one of those things where I think cheesy things like I love her more every day. That's ridiculous. I'm not even a little sick of her yet, and I think I'd even be able to deal with her for another two and a half.

if she lets me.

I'm far too young to be living a life that I'm completely apathetic about. I think things are going to be pretty swell.

alright!

Monday, October 1st, 2007

(5Said | Fuck the po-lice)

Time:2:58 am.
The song on the new Kanye record that the guy from Coldplay sings the chorus to is a fucking hit. It's called Homecoming, and it's better than both of the singles by a mile (and I like Stronger a lot).

I used to not understand how anybody could just wallow in their unhappiness.

they had nothing they were passionate about in their lives sustaining them, and I always did, whether it was actively playing music or even just actively being in love.

things are certainly way more difficult now.

I don't talk to anyone lately. I mean I talk to people, sure, but I don't talk to anyone anymore. but I still have so much to say, haha.

like how today, on the heels of realizing that I really really like three songs on Paul Simon's Graceland album but still have never heard the entire thing, Kodachrome came on the radio and hit me like a fucking brick. and I'd been ignoring all that Kodachrome had to offer for years.

I work every night. I go to school full time. and I don't fuck up. I honestly don't fuck up and I don't know how. I'm busy too! I'm always busy! but if I want to see or talk to someone, or someone wants to see or talk to me, I'll make the time.

I'm always around people that are in ideal, awesome relationships. Most of the time I love that. I can't even count the times I sat in the backseat of a car just hanging out with my friends and whoever they were with at the time at all different points in their relationships just watching how happy they were making each other and loving being around that. Whether they were with someone relatively new or they'd been together for years already and I'd already spent plenty of time hanging out with them in the backseat. I know that sounds a little crazy, but I also know I'm not the only one who's thought of it like that, I can't be.

either way. sometimes it fucking sucks.

and I'm painting a picture here like I'm terribly depressed. I'm not. I do fun things with fun people and it still feels good to actively be responsible and have some kind of order in my life. but then I come home and think too much when there's no diversions and then I'm being a negative nancy. That shouldn't be the case, and I need to make changes.

I watched American Graffiti tonight. I was gonna watch Manhattan after that, but Blockbuster fucked up and sent me Manhattan Murder Mystery instead (but the envelope said it was Manhattan, which I guess means someone put the wrong disc in). They're both Woody Allen movies, so that's a pretty understandable mistake I suppose, but I lose.

regardless, thank god for the bouncing souls. tonight I listened to the bouncing souls until I felt better.

Tuesday, September 11th, 2007

(Fuck the po-lice)

Time:9:50 pm.
The Temptations have been the soundtrack to my month. I'm an idiot for not obsessing over all of this stuff years ago.

Today I got a much needed haircut and shaved and I feel like my face is breathing on it's own. Feels crazy.

I got a new car. A 98 Toyota Camry. The thing is leaps and bounds above anything I've been driving. The air conditioning works, the windows defrost in an instant, it has both a CD player and a tape deck, functioning blinkers, I even have power windows. And a sunroof. or a moonroof. I don't know of those are different things. I have one of them. I've been keeping my tank full too, which is something I've never done and seeing the gauge up around F feels like what I imagine a cocaine binge feels like.

On the back of my car.

So I've been balls deep in an ongoing effort to better myself as a person and fit a little more into my image of what it means to be an adult. It seems all that's come out of it is that I drink more.

I hate talking about drinking because I feel like a complete bro dude. Unless you already think of me as a bro dude (I'm flattered) try to look past that, because I'm really gonna push it.

I think maybe I've been drinking too much. Really. Now, I do like drinking a good bit, and I never do anything stupid (anymore) as a result or go overboard or anything, but I feel like I'm SUPPOSED to feel like it's ridiculous. Now, I work five nights a week and go to school full time. Some (myself included) would say given that I don't fuck anything up, I've earned it to be an idiot at night.

This does stand in stark contrast with the effort I've been making to get back into shape. Going to Vegas last year started a downward spiral backwards after all the weight I lost in the year before that. For the past month or so I've been eating better, making (sometimes sporadic) efforts to go running and other exercise-type shit, and I feel way better. It's just kinda silly that if I took all that beer out of my diet I'd probably look like John fucking Basedow by now.

Regardless, it feels very good to have money in the bank, be on top of school (albeit after only one week) and when need be using my free time to do things that I need to do. I think if I didn't have an outlet to be act like an irresponsible asshole, or at the very least a fucking idiot my little heart would give out on me. And you couldn't have a better supporting cast than mine for that sort of thing.

Really though, I should give them more credit. A few of my friends, especially the ones I'm left with when everyone else leaves, I really think of almost like family. The type of thing that gives you a kind of concern for what's going on with them. It sort of seems like everyone's acknowledged how much we've gone wrong in the past few years, and everyone's getting their shit together at once and it's really cool to watch it happen. If anything it makes it easier to do the right thing in my own personal situation.

Do The Right Thing. That's a fucking great movie. I just saw it for the first time like two weeks ago and couldn't stop talking about it.

Anyway, I'm sure they don't think of all that stuff the same way I do, but it's alright, whatever makes me feel better I'm alright with.

I think I'm getting a tattoo on Thursday. The same one I've talked about getting since I was like 15 or 16. The Bouncing Souls broken heart on my left forearm. I couldn't possibly think of anything more appropriate.

I haven't had much of anyone to really talk to in a little while, maybe in part because of how busy I've been, and at risk of sounding a little pathetic it feels good to put all of this out there, almost like I'm validating it. and there's so much more I want to say.

but it's Hitchings birthday today, and this is more than long enough. Duty calls.

Thursday, August 16th, 2007

(1Said | Fuck the po-lice)

Time:2:55 am.
http://gorillamask.net/kimmel-flav.shtml

Jimmy Kimmel at the roast of Flavor Flav. From his first sentence he completely destroys. I never would have thought he had this in him. Watching it I was almost scared for him, haha.

My personal favorite part might be "Comedy Central, if you want to stop polluting the environment, cancel Mind of Mencia".

Tuesday, August 14th, 2007

(5Said | Fuck the po-lice)

Time:4:20 pm.
Following up on that meteor shower thing I was saying last night, my area is so brightly lit at night you can't really see shit when you look up. I actually went over to the seawall for a little bit hoping I'd see something but it was really cold so I didn't really do that long. I think I maybe saw one, but maybe I just really wanted to. You could see a lot of stars though, so that was really cool at least.

Then this morning I told Sal I'd come to work and the rest of the day proceeded to ream my ass.

(Fuck the po-lice)

Time:12:40 am.
I was invited to go watch the peak of the meteor shower tonight. I should have. I've never seen anything like that. I've never even seen a shooting star. Beyond that I kinda feel bad because thinking to invite me to that was one of the nicest things anyone's done for me in ages.

I'm going to see the Bouncing Souls on Friday. I haven't seen them in a while, and I'm pretty excited. It's amazing how much better that band can make me feel for all these years, no matter how disapointed, overwhelmed or upset I may be. I feel like I owe them my first born or something.

Lifetime and (I love) The (fucking) Ergs are playing too. I can't believe I've waited this long to finally see Lifetime. I can't wait.

Today was a terrible day. An awful, terrible, long day. I'm terribly lucky that I've got friends like Hitchings and Nina that'll take semi-long rides with me to do shit that doesn't benefit them in anyway.

There are too many people that are making genuine efforts to hang out with me that I've been completely shafting. I'm a terrible fuck for that, I appreciate it tremendously and these people will be hung out with effective immediately.

All that said, I need to get out of this house tonight, even if just for a little bit. So I will.

Thursday, August 2nd, 2007

(3Said | Fuck the po-lice)

Time:3:46 pm.
Sometimes I make myself think every effort I make to better myself is a me trying to get back some kind of "old me" that I much preferred. Even now while I acknowledge that it's stupid because I think I've always strived for this "old me" (which means it either doesn't exist or I'm just consistently sucking more as time passes), I still sort of believe in it.

This fall all my friends are going to leave. It just feels way heavier than it was all the other times. Even Hitchings might be going again. That's so many people that a large part of my getting by day to day can be attributed to. Is it just gonna be me, Trix and Bill again? The two of them are so tied up in their own shit.

Maybe I need to get tied up in my shit.

But I'm awfully happy most of the time.

I think I've got a way better grasp on what's good for me than I ever have. I'm thrilled with how clear my head's felt lately, and the decisions I've made over these past few months. I've eliminated a whole bunch of dead weight in my life, and I'm certainly better off for it.

Beyond that, being creative again, and having it not feel like work has been fantastic. I love playing music more than I have in ages and I've very rarely been as proud of something as I am the stuff I've worked on with Natoli and Trix. Can't wait to show everyone. It's really fast, haha.

I had two conversations in the past couple weeks that did wonders for me.

One of them was a kind of argument with someone, who told me I don't treat her like a friend. Immediately people started coming to mind that made me think she could be right about me, I've been being really selfish to people that care a pretty good deal about me. The funny thing is she wasn't one of those people that came to mind.

I talked to someone last night on the phone until almost 3:30 in the morning. The entire point of the conversation was to make them feel better, and in the end I think if anything it ended up being more of a therapeutic thing for me than it was for them.

Thank you Jamie.

all for now. I watched Heathers last night. That movie's crazy.

Thursday, July 19th, 2007

(Fuck the po-lice)

Subject:Why do they call you Boom-Boom?
Time:2:05 pm.
It seems like I only post in this thing during weeks where Gabe Kaplan is featured on Poker After Dark. Well, here I am.

Last night I felt like if I didn't hear Pretty Pathetic by the Smoking Popes I'd perish on the spot. You ever get that feeling?

This is one of the most perfectly sad songs of all time. I spent so much time with this record without letting this song sink in. It's not sappy, it's not cheesey, it's just perfect. Every lyric (minus the jokey ending), every melody.

I used to tell people that the original recording of Violins by Lagwagon was the saddest song I've ever heard. It wasn't so much the song itself as it's presentation. Joey Cape sounded awfully retarded back then and it makes the whole thing feel like a giant struggle to get this whole "So why you wanna be there, when you could be here?" across. Killed me every time. The lyric being so simple and straightforward didn't hurt either.

I was wrong. This song dwarfs it. It's not even close. It's a fucking massacre. It's one of the most perfectly sad songs of all time.

Close to three years ago someone told me to fix my life, get it all together, if I wanted to keep them around. I didn't take to that well, and it's probably in large part why that person's no longer an active part of my life.

Now, three years later, present day, placed in a kind of similar situation, I've never been more anxious to actually do all of that. To do the sort of things I shouldn't have waited until I was twenty to take seriously.

I think the difference is that she's perfect, and far closer to the things I want to be than anyone else I've known.

I certainly haven't shown her that I feel that way nearly enough in the past two years, but I will as long as she'll let me.

Gabe's third in chips I believe, with only two nights left of play.

Friday, July 6th, 2007

(Fuck the po-lice)

Subject:I woke up to move a wall unit at 7:30.
Time:8:27 am.
Sometimes when I think of all the stupid things I've said or done that I wish I hadn't, the vastness of them all completely overwhelms me.

Not included amongst those things however, is putting Trix through a table last night.




"Fatman, you Lex Luger'ed him through a table. Nobody has that coming."

-Bill

Wednesday, June 27th, 2007

(1Said | Fuck the po-lice)

Subject:Wow, I edited the hell out of this. Like 39 times.
Time:2:07 am.
Gabe Kaplan is on Poker After Dark again. He's got this fantastic cowboy hat on and I'm thrilled. This is exactly what I needed because today just felt heavy. Today was heavy, but I feel bad saying that when I got to do a couple cool things with a couple cool people that I love today.

There's also this chick playing this week that I watched a couple months ago and liked because she was the least obnoxious one at her table. I'll root for them both, but if it comes down to her and Kotter, then she can burn.

Oyer called me around midnight to talk about what happened with Chris Benoit. Talked about how weird it is that this guy that we rooted for when we were younger apparently smothered his seven year old kid to death. That segued into a jokey comment about how Hulk Hogan will never die. The thought of Hulk Hogan as someone actually facing his own mortality was way more profound to me than to Oyer, and there's nothing wrong with that, I acknowledge that Hulk Hogan represents way more in my life than he should. Hulk Hogan is more like an ideal or some kind of symbol than just a pro wrestler to me. Let me explain.

As a little kid I fucking LOVED Hulk Hogan. Watching him big boot the likes of Jake The Snake or Typhoon made me feel more alive than anything else I'd encountered in my short life, and a quick wikipedia search shows that my faith in, well, I guess anything, took a crushing blow on June 13th, 1993. I swear I remember the whole thing vividly.

I was watching the King Of The Ring pay-per-view all by myself in the living room. It was late at night, the house was dark, my parents were sleeping and I was terrified. Hulk Hogan was clearly the only man capable of stopping Yokozuna, so maybe that's part of why I felt so completely hopeless when he lost. Sure, the fact that it was really a fireball shot out of Jim Cornette's camera that cost him the win softened the blow a bit, but I was only six years old. That's too young too know or care that they had to get rid of Hulk somehow because his contract was up, or to deal with watching it end like that. That's too young to watch everything you ever believed in up to that point get (literally, I suppose) crushed by some fucking sumo wrestler.

So it's (not ha-ha) funny that Oyer got me thinking about Hulk Hogan tonight. Something awful happened today, and it made me think about something I've kept in the back of my head to remind myself whenever necessary. I'll always be afraid that the things I care about will one day get crushed by some fucking sumo wrestler.

It's 2:30 in the morning, I'm awake and intensely worried about how a friend in a terribly unfortunate situation is doing, and how certain people might try to handle it in potentially harmful ways in turn. Gabe Kaplan has a commanding chip lead.

Tuesday, June 26th, 2007

(Fuck the po-lice)

Time:1:18 pm.
My dad's been in Colombia for the past two weeks, and I just spoke to him on the phone for the first time since he left. I asked him how Colombia is.

"Oh it's great. No one tries to be fake or impress you here. Like, you'll come in someone's house, and yeah they'll give you chicken, rice and potatoes, but it's from the heart."

So I laughed.

"No, really! Chicken, rice and potatoes from the heart.

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